The world still spins…

Her skin was cold but other than that they were still the soft features of my friend. Her short, dark, brunette hair lay in a halo of gentle waves on the silk pillow. Her lips were a pale pink and her hands were folded around a distracting wad of flowers. I don’t recall what her dress looked like or what color the casket was. Thinking back to the age of 6 or 7 makes things quite fuzzy. Some things are invisible, like where she was buried and if I went to the grave site. I remember her family in such pain. They didn’t know how much pain I was in too. They didn’t know she was the only person who never made me feel used. They didn’t know that she was the last connection to God for me. They didn’t know that she was really the angel they only pretended she was for the purpose of getting through the funeral. They didn’t know that the trauma in the realization of her death would color many chapters of my life, or that her absence in the world would change so many of us well into the future. I found her shrine built far into the depths of my soul. The candles guttering out and dim in this day of the future. Her portrait now yellow and faded with time. The flowers of remembrance now dry, decayed masses, hardly recognizable. If I had to find her in the after life based on the visual memory I would never find her again. Ahhh, but the beauty of the soul and sincerity of her heart would call me far beyond the boundaries of visual memory. Just the thought of her assurance that there would be an afterlife still almost convinces this hardened crust of a woman that her innocent inner child can still go to Heaven to hold hands again and walk with God. Still I know her abrupt departure ushered in the questions that killed my belief in God.  Why take the bright light of the world out of the wold and leave it darker? Why take such pure honesty and dedication away from hungry eyes that need the encouragement just to push forward? What does the horrific end of a child benefit the world? In those small moments I would have gladly presented my sad, angry, lying heart in her stead. Just to feel less affected by the giant black hole created in my life. I can say that I am personally forever changed because she is gone from this world. I find that nothing is more tragic in life than to know that once a being is gone from our plane of existence everything just keeps moving. Although your heart may be ripped, figuratively,  from your still heaving chest; your mind may be spinning, uncontrolled, into utter chaos; your very soul may be on the verge of complete non function; the world still spins. All the people on planet Earth keep going in uncountable directions. There is no deafening exaltation. There is no universal pause. There is barely a notice in comparison to the life long impact. So, I keep going too. I am far too weak to change the day-to-day motion in remembrance of a dear and true friend. Her brother was driving when it happened. Did I say that already? He was “known” for driving too fast. The indication to me as a child was that the cops outright blamed him for the injuries to each passenger and for her death. Something like 5 years to the day, he sat in his car in the freezing cold, breathing car exhaust and paused in remembrance of her forever. It’s all just the reality a young girl had to process so many years ago and these are just the things I have strength to put out there.